ESL

The guy at work who is reviewing my project is about 60 years old, born in India, and moved to the States about 35-40 years ago.

There was an existing note on a drawing:

"All wiring shall be type #1."

I added:

"Type #6 may also be used as an alternative to type #1."


R: What are you doing, adding this note?! This is bad English! We do not want to give them an alternative suggestion! Say they may use it. We need to tell them they must use it!!

Me: Well, that's what the boss said to do when you asked about it in our meeting last week.

R: No! He did not say that! He wouldn't have said that! That is wrong!

Supervisor: He did say to give them an alternative. The way this is written is correct.

R: No! You must not know English because this is bad English!!

Supervisor: Well, if you don't agree with it, then make a comment for Lauren on the drawing. Write the note the way you think it should read and we'll take a look.


His note:

"All wire new connection must to be type #6."


Yeah....I must not know English.

Disturbing

If you haven't read my blog post Maintenance Issues, it would be relevant for you to take a few minutes to do so before proceeding....

http://spaputzstories.blogspot.com/2011/11/maintenance-issues.html


So we have a new girl on our team who sits next to the fingernail clipper. And the clippers came out this morning. About 20 seconds into the cutting, the new girl asked:

NG: What are you doing over there??

Clippy: Cutting my nails.

NG: What?!

(I think she meant "What?!" as in "WTF?! Why would you be doing that here?!" But he interpreted her response as "What did you say? I didn't hear your answer.") So he repeated...

C: Cutting my nails.

NG: Why would you do that here?!?!

C: It's hard to work with long nails.

NG: You should do that at home!!!

C: There is no time at home.

NG: HR sent out an email about that one time!!!

http://spaputzstories.blogspot.com/2012/02/office-policy.html


NG: You can't be doing that here!!! It disturbs me!!!

C: Well they don't know that I have no time at home.



I wonder if HR would confiscate his clippers if I reported him....

Cashing In

At work today, I was at R's desk talking about my project when T came over:

T: Sorry to interrupt you guys...

He holds up two "Thank You" cards with post-it notes on them labeling each of our two administrative assistants.

T: ...but we're collecting $10 for each of the admins as a Thank You/Christmas gift. Do you have the money now?


Wait....what?? You're asking me to give $10 to each of these women to say "Thanks." Thanks for doing your job. The job that you get paid to do. Every day. Here is an additional $500 bonus (there are about 50 people on our team) in addition to the Christmas bonus that the company is going to give you. Here is money out of my own pocket. Money that I get paid for by the company for doing my job. Just like you get paid by the company for doing your job. But here is my money to you for doing your job. Right.


Me: I don't have any cash on me.


Truthfully I didn't have two $10 bills on me, but even if I did....

AND.....do you know what I would have to do to obtain two $10 bills??

a) Go to the bank (does anyone actually even go to the bank anymore?), stand in line, hand the teller a $20, and ask for two $10's back

-OR-

b) Go the the ATM, withdraw $40, purchase two separate items of less than $10 each, in two separate transactions, paying for each item with one of the $20's from the ATM, just to end up with two $10 bills in change to give to someone else for doing their job. Right.


R: I have my money! He pulls out his wallet from his desk drawer (that is sealed in a Ziploc plastic sandwich bag, along with loose change rattling around in the bag, and a wad of receipts)

He handed T his money and was given the cards to sign. And I was shocked how many signatures were already on the card! There were at least 25 signatures. Really? There are that many people who are willing to participate in this?

T took R's money, put it in his front shirt pocket, and checked R's name off a list. Great. I'm sure he'll be hitting up my un-checked name again in a day or two.

But that's okay. I still won't have any cash on me.

HU

At work, my client strongly emphasizes the use of "Human Performance (HU) Tools". So much, in fact, that we started getting daily emails with a new tool to keep in mind. They started off in the format of a list of practices associated with each tool. For example:

OWNERSHIP, RESPONSIBILITY AND ACCOUNTABILITY
1. Be a role model. Maintain uncompromising standards. Hold yourself and others

accountable.

2. Understand your roles and responsibilities and assist others in doing the same.

3. Demonstrate behaviors that reflect S&L’s core principles, values, and beliefs.

4. Proactively identify issues, take responsibility, and make decisions at the right level to

initiate action.

5. Honor your commitments and support agreed-upon positions.

6. Recognize what your signature means: read, understand, and agree.

But apparently, they've run out of those sorts of tips, because for the past few days, the format is more like someone emailing me a story about a personal experience, like such:

Verify assumptions

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’ 'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.' The pilot was strangely silent for a moment; finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

WTF??
Or like this...

Practice using the HU Tools

I have a hammer and a saw at home; this doesn’t make me a carpenter. I have a brother that is a carpenter and he jokes that my house is where wood goes to be sawed into small, useless pieces. The major difference is the amount of practice with the tools. My brother has used the tools of his craft for many years and is very good with them. HU Tools are part of the tools of our craft, make sure we use them each day.


Seriously?
And then there is my favorite story so far...

Using HU Tools will keep our mistakes from becoming our client’s problems

No parent wants to hear “that baby’s ugly” which is something my parents had to get use to. This is similar to the fact no one wants to hear their work has mistakes. While my parents can’t do anything about their ugly baby; we can make sure to use our HU tools to find our mistakes and ensure they don’t become our clients’ problem.

Wow. Who is writing this crap?
It just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

Tolerance

If you live in Chicago, you know that it's been starting to get really effing cold the past couple of days, so I've been wearing my winter coat. It's one of those 3-in-1 coats that can be 1) a light weight wind breaker, 2) a heavy coat, or 3) the heavy coat can be zipped into the wind breaker to be worn as a combined heavy-wind-breaking coat. So I've been going with option 3 for a few days now due to near-freezing temperatures, especially for my mile-long walk to work in the morning before the sun is up.

After work yesterday, I got into the elevator with a coworker. He's never seemed to like me very much. Or maybe he's not very friendly to anyone; I don't know. But either way, we weren't making small talk. We were just watching the TV in the elevator, which shows news headlines, local traffic and weather. The temperature was displayed as 34 degrees. My coworker looked at the temperature, looked at my coat, made a shocked face like he was looking at George Costanza or something, and said mockingly:

S: Well your coat will certainly keep you warm enough.

Me: I hope so. It was only like 20 degrees on my way to work this morning and I was freezing!

He scoffed at me like I was a f*&king moron who had just said the most ridiculous, outrageously incorrect thing that he'd heard all day, and very seriously replied with a know-it-all attitude:

S: I think 20 is a bit of an exaggeration! It was at least 25.

Me: ............

I waiting for him to laugh at his own joke. Apparently he wasn't joking. His face was stone cold.

Me: Well, I think 25 is still pretty cold.

The elevator doors opened and he bolted out of there without another word, and a nasty look on his face. It seems like he was offended that I had talked back to his all-knowing meteorological knowledge.

So I guess he has a high tolerance for cold, and a low tolerance for me.

Helpless

My husband and I just purchased a new computer at Micro Center. In the interest of saving money however, we decided it would be fine to keep our old monitor. We got the computer home and eagerly began setting it up. But when we went to plug the monitor cable into the computer, we discovered that it wasn't a match. Our monitor cable was VGA. The plug in the computer was DVI. So we needed to get an adapter.

We went to Best Buy (not wanted to look stupid going back to Micro Center), and the clueless, teenage employee vaguely poked around the aisle with the adapters, suggesting lots of different types of extension cords....thanks for the "help." But I found VGA to DVI adapter and after another moron working the cash register froze our order and we were forced to wait 10 minutes for a manager override, we went home to finish our computer setup.

But the adapter didn't fit. Apparently there are multiple types of DVI plugs. So we looked online to see how late Micro Center was open on Sundays. Not late enough. Thinking of places that sell electronics and are open later on a Sunday, I looked at Target's website. They had adapters on their site, but with the pictures only showing either a side view or a one-end view, I wasn't certain that they would really have what we needed. But I went to check it out.

They had multiple aisles all spread out through the electronics department with some adapters that were really close to what we needed, but not exact. With so many near-matches and so many aisles to search through, I figured I just must be missing it. But I searched each aisle 4 times and was still coming up empty handed. It was time to play the helpless female and ask for assistance.

The employee was a teenage boy with very nervous energy who was quite possibly drunk and/or high and/or nervous around females. Here's how our conversation went:

Me: Hi. I'm looking for a VGA to DVI adapter.

Kid: Sorry. We don't sell those........but wait!!

He patted down his pockets

Kid (upset nervous excitement): Oh no! Wrong pants! The right pants are at home! And those pants have the adapter you need in one of the pockets! But I guess it won't do you any good that I'm wearing these pants, huh?

Me: ......no, I guess not.........

Kid: I'm so sorry. I'll wear my other pants next time.

Me: ............................okay.....................................thanks.................


Questions:

1. So the adapter in his "right" pants must have been his personal property, right? Since they don't sell them at the store it's not like he accidentally took one home after work one night. So it must have been his.
2. Why would anyone randomly carry and adapter in their pants?
3. If he had been wearing the "right" pants, would he have given me his adapter?

So I went home empty handed, and over the next few days also tried to find it at:

• Radio Shack, Chicago
• Micro Center (yes this list continues, as the place who sold us the computer couldn't provide us with the correct adapter. our computer salesman did, however, give us a DVI cord that supposedly should have come with our computer purchase but he "forgot" to give it to us the other night. awesome)
• Radio Shack, LaGrange
• Radio Shack, Westmont
• Office Depot
• Fry's (they had it!)

I got home and flipped the monitor upside down to plug in the adapter.....and right next to the VGA plug was a DVI plug. The cable that our salesman gave us on our 2nd visit fit right in...no adapter needed...and our new computer is awesome.

Quality is quality is quality is quality is quality is quality is......

Center of the Universe

At work, it's not uncommon for people to be relocated to a new desk in order to be closer to the people who are working on the same project as you. So on Monday, S got moved to a desk across the aisle and one quad down from mine. I don't know her (she is part of the structural team and I am electrical), but I have quickly gotten to know all about her. She is loud, not a hard worker, young, immature, obnoxious.....and she just got engaged on Sunday.

She didn't get a single second of work done on Monday. She brought in doughnuts and sent an email to her teammates to let them know to stop by and get one:

Coworker: Thanks for the doughnut. Is it your birthday?

S: No! I just got engaged last night! Look at my ring! It's HUGE!!

CW: Wow. That's beautiful. Congratulations.

S: Thanks! I picked out the ring myself! I didn't know it would be so BIG though!! And now you have to stand here for 20 minutes while I tell you the story of how he proposed!! (He was going to put the ring in her dessert at dinner, but she was too full for dessert. So he was going to put it in her champagne glass, but she was tired and didn't want champagne. So he was going to take her for a romantic walk, but she was too tired for a walk. So he was going to .......blah, blah, blah)

My buddy who sits next to me asked if I wanted to bet him how many times we'd have to overhear her engagement story. I didn't make a bet, nor did I keep count of her story-times, but it was pretty much constant throughout the day, even during the multiple times that she was on the phone with a ring appraiser (that person got to hear the story too).

She was out of the office yesterday (probably getting her ring appraised). And she's back today, being sure to tell anyone who might not already know about her "exciting news!"

She was talking to a male coworker who it seems she's pretty good friends with, outside the office as well:

S: So, about that engagement-news email that I sent out to all our friends and family on Monday....

J: Yeah...

S: M didn't respond to it! Can you believe that!? And then I talked to her yesterday and she was like, "Sorry. I don't check my email every day." I can't believe her! She's so mean! I've always been such a good friend to her and this is how she pays me back!? So I'm not inviting her to the wedding since she obviously doesn't care!

J: Wow. I don't even know how to interpret her not responding. That's so rude!

S: I know! So that's it! I'm so done with her!

J: I don't blame you!


Wow. Seriously? I guess M must have also missed the email about the how the entire universe revolves around S now until her wedding in November 2013.

It's going to be a LONG year....

Conspiracy Theory

My husband loves pillows. He likes to be surrounded by them when he sleeps. There is one to pad the headboard, another two that he lays his head on, one that he hugs in his sleep, and even the occasional "barrier pillow" in between us to muffle the sounds of my snoring or to prevent his flailing arms from making contact with my head. So that's 5 pillows on his side of the bed....

But there used to be 6.

A few years ago, there was also a neck pillow. It was green and white checkered and had tassels dangling from each of the ends. And it became his favorite pillow once he discovered that dangling the tassels in my face would result in me making a face and noises of protest that he found amusing. I was not a fan.

And then one day, the pillow wasn't there anymore.

Our house was once owned and occupied by Jim's grandparents. After they passed, my mother-in-law inherited the house, and my husband was living with his parents at the time, so Jim's mom suggested that he move into the house. Having not lived on his own before, Jim had very few items of furniture and decor, so most of what had belonged to his grandparents was kept in the house for Jim's use, including that pillow.

But when Jim and I started getting serious about our relationship, and talks began about me moving in, his mom knew that I had a whole condo's worth of furnishings and stuff to bring over. So she would occasionally come over to the house to take some items that she was interested in for her house, and since she knew I'd have equivalent replacement items, it was no big deal for her to take a few of her parents' things every once in awhile.

So when the pillow was deemed missing, I offered the most reasonable explanation: his mom must have taken it. But Jim was not buying my "story." He felt it was MUCH more likely that due to my strong disdain of that pillow, I must certainly have thrown it away.

For the record...I didn't.

Then he suggested that I must have been conspiring with his mom about the pillow; that I asked her to take it back for herself.

For the record...I didn't do that either.

He then concluded that perhaps I wasn't horrible enough to steal and/or throw away a pillow that did not belong to me, but that at the very least, I must have hidden it somewhere.

Again...wrong.

I tell him every time this topic comes up in conversation (it's like 3 years later and yes, it still comes up regularly) that he should just ask his mom if she took it. He replies that since she must have been involved in the conspiracy, she would just lie to him about it too.

And what most strongly convinces him that I was behind the disappearance of the pillow is that every time it comes up in conversation, I start laughing uncontrollably, really, really hard about it because I think it's HILARIOUS that on paper at least, his theories about my involvement are all TOTALLY likely. If anyone had a motive to get rid of the pillow I am no-contest way higher on the list than anyone else would be. The only thing that makes his theories fall apart is that I'm not a horrible enough person to ever steal, trash, or conspire against any of his stuff. So the mystery of the pillow remains unsolved.


And I swear I didn't do it :)

Urlacher

So it seems that I'm surrounded by Bears fans, not just on the street, but at work as well. Or at least people who like to call themselves Bears fans.....


R: Hey, C. Did you hear that some guy on the Bears just had knee surgery?

C: Oh, yeah I kinda heard something about that. Who was it though?

R: I can't remember his name.

C: Me neither. He's that bald guy, right?

R: Yeah.

C: And I think he's a linebacker, right?

R: Yeah I think so.

D (overhearing the conversation and jumping in): Are you kidding me? You don't know his name??

C: No. Do you know who it is?

D: Urlacher!

C: Oh yeah. Urlacher.

R (talking to C again, while D went back to his work): Do you remember his first name?

C: No. I can't think of it. You don't know it?

R: Is it Tom?

C: Yeah! That's it. It's Tom.

D (jumping back into the conversation): Are you kidding me again? Tom Urlacher?? Seriously??

C: It's not Tom?

D: No!

C & R: (blank stare)

D: It's Brian!

C & R: Oh yeah!

C went back to his desk and R came over to D's desk, which is right next to mine.

R: You know, I can remember him playing in the 1985 Superbowl game. He was incredible!

Me and D: ............

Me: .....um......He wasn't in the 1985 Superbowl......

R: He was! I can remember him playing.

D: No....I'm pretty sure he didn't start playing until 2000.

R: No, you're wrong. I remember him in that game. He was the best one on the team!

Me: Dude, that was like 30 years ago. How old do you think he is?!

R: No! It wasn't 30 years ago....

Me: Yeah, sorry I was rounding. It was only 27 years ago......

R (doing some bad math in his head and saying...): I'm sure he was in that game though. He's always been their star player!

R (walking back to his desk, talking to himself, while D and I can't stop laughing): Yeah, he's such a great player. I hope the Bears can still make it to the Superbowl without him this year!


GO BEARS!!

Go Bears!

Last Thursday was the opening day of preseason football. If you are a Chicagoan, you were most likely rooting for the Bears to beat the Broncos. I am a Chicagoan, but I'm not a sports fan, so I was rooting for the Broncos because I <3 Peyton. But not because of his football skills (although I hear he is very good). I <3 him because I thought he was really funny when he hosted Saturday Night Live a few years ago.

I was walking to Union Station after work last Thursday, and there was a guy standing on the bridge wearing a Bears hat and shouting, "GO BEARS! YEAH! GIVE ME A HIGH-FIVE IF YOU LOVE THE BEARS! WE'RE GONNA WIN TONIGHT! YEAH! GO BEARS! COME ON AND GIVE ME SOME LOVE IF YOU LOVE THE BEARS! HIGH-FIVE!!!!"

Well, as I just mentioned, I don't "love" the Bears, but I figured this guy must be SUPER excited about it if he's giving up a portion of his day just to get high-fives and pump up some fans. And what harm was it going to do me to increase his excitement by giving him the high-five that he was asking for? I'm typically kind of rude to people on the street who ask for money, but high-fives don't cost me anything. Plus, he was standing pretty close to one of the regular street beggars, drawing attention away from that guy's cup-shaking so no one was donating their spare change to the "crippled" guy, which made me all the more happy to help this fan out with a high-five.

This "crippled" guy is easily my least favorite "homeless" guy that I pass every day. He stands on the bridge with his toe/leg pointed slightly inward and leans on a crutch. Brilliant. I can turn my leg inward too. I doesn't necessarily mean I'm crippled.

So I was glad to see the Bears fanatic taking attention away from the gimp, and I happily gave the guy a high-five in passing.

I looked back as he started shouting, "YEAH! THANKS! GO BEARS!"

But then he pulled a roll of one dollar bills out of his pocket, took one from the roll, and put it in the "crippled" guy's donation cup saying, "Another high-five.....another dollar for you!"

WHAT?!?!?!?!

Are you effing kidding me!?!?!?!?!?

I would NEVER have given up a high-five if I'd know that it was going to result in that fake cripple getting even a penny on my behalf!!

And the "crip" yelled after me, "Thanks!"

You're NOT welcome. Asshole!


The next day I walked past the "gimp" on the bridge. He was wearing a Bears hat.....

Glad you enjoyed "my" dollar, Shitbag.


GO BRONCOS!

CSG....again

If you haven't read my original CSG post (March 2012), I would recommend that you take a few minutes to do so for the following reasons:

1. It's funny
2. It's background information for the story I'm about to tell

.............


So about a week ago, I went to the non-creepy-behind-my-house Subway for dinner. As usual, it was the same girl who works there 98% of the time. Except now, she's super pregnant.

Jim and I went there for dinner a couple days later. No pregnant girl this time. Instead there was another guy. It seemed like his first day on the job. He was going REALLY slow, despite the fact that the place was really crowded, and seemed pretty confused by the concept of evenly distributing the cheese along the entire length of the bread. But he was trying really hard and not making small talk so I can deal with slow if I don't have to say anything other than "lettuce, tomato, green peppersssssss, etc.

I went there again tonight for dinner. Same new guy. So I'm pretty certain that the chick must be out on maternity leave and this is her replacement. Unfortunately, it turns out that when they are not busy (I was the only customer in line), and possibly further fueled by the fact that I was there by myself, it turns out that the new guy is totally annoying, pretty weird, very awkward, and sort of totally creepy.

I'm not going to say he was hitting on me, because God help him if that was considered flirting. I think he just likes to be friendly and it probably makes his job better to talk to people about things other than sandwich toppings. Good for him. Not so well received by me.

CSG: What can I get you?

Me: Veggie on flatbread.

CSG: No. I'm sorry. I can't do that for you (laughing and smiling as he grabs the bread).

CSG: Cheese?

Me: Pepperjack

CSG: Did you watch that movie yet that I was telling you about?

Me: (blank stare)

CSG: Oh, that wasn't you I was talking to about [some movie he mentioned that I don't remember the name of. It possibly had something to do with Harvard Law school]?

Me: Nope

CSG: Oh. Well there's a scene where Tom Green is like, "Cheese! You can never have too much cheese!!" And then he starts piling tons of cheese up. It's so funny! A guy can dream, right?

Me: (okay, so this guy fantasizes about cheese. Definitely NOT hitting on me then)

CSG: What else would like on your sandwich?

Me: Lettuce, tomato, cucumber, green pepper

CSG: It's my goal to try and memorize every regular customer's sandwich order so that as soon as you walk in the door, I'll already have made your sandwich.

Me: Well I come here all the time.

CSG: I won't remember though. I'm not that good.

Me: (no shit, cause you just grabbed a handful of pickles)

CSG: I wish they still had Feta cheese here. They used to ya know? Yeah. Like 10 years ago I worked at a Subway that had Feta. I guess it was too expensive to keep on the menu though.

Me: Or it was grossly unpopular.

CSG: You don't like Feta?! I LOVE Feta. I've been eating it since I was 4. Hahaha! No. Not really. Can you imagine giving a 4 year old such a hard cheese like that? That would be crazy! But a guy can dream again, right?

Me: (another cheese fantasy.....)

I handed him my money (6 singles) and he started counting the bills out loud, stopped after $2, and said, "I'm just joking! I trust you."

I would not have been at all offended if he actually had counted out the singles, but whatever. Glad our movie/cheese conversation was trust-building for him.

CSG: Have a great night! See you next time!

So where is the next nearest Subway........

O

There is sort of a joking rivalry at my office between the designers and the engineers. We don't actually dislike each other. Most of the engineers I work with are very nice people and I'm sure they feel the same about most of my design group. But after we designers review and approve our work, we give it to the engineers for a final look, and they always come back to us with comments. Always.

So the designers joke that the engineers must need an ego boost, and that they just love to feel "superior" to us. Because a lot of their "corrections" are not technical. It's often stuff like, "I think it would look nicer if this text was underlined," or "I would prefer if you moved these notes down another inch," or "Instead of abbreviating the word drawing as 'dwg' I'd like you to spell the whole word out."

This morning I was away from my desk grabbing stuff off the printer when I got paged. Jeez. Someone needs me urgently enough that they can't wait for me to return a missed call. This must be important.

It was one of our engineers who is out on site. We are about 80% complete with the worst project I've ever worked on (I would take CREFS any day compared to this!)....

H: I have a comment for you on those 8 drawings you sent me.

Me: Okay. I've got them in front of me. What's the problem?

H: Where you specified that part number...it's supposed to be the letter O, but you typed the number zero. I need you to correct all those, re-sign them, and PDF the corrected drawings back to me.

Me: (are you effing kidding me???)...........um.............I understand what you're saying; that it should be the letter, not the number, but...........I mean.........I'm not really sure I see the problem.......the O and the zero look exactly the same.

H: Well I noticed it (with his bionic eyes???). And it would cause confusion down here if it's not fixed.



Yeah, Dude. I'm sure this is how it would go:

Installer 1: This part number says SB zero 2. That part number doesn't exist.

Installer 2: And certainly they would not have meant it to be SB letter O 2. Even though that's a valid part number, and the zero and the O's look exactly the same, but that can't possibly have been what they meant.

Installer 1: Yeah. We better report this horribly wrong design to the NRC and then initiate a brand new contract to fix the drawings to specify the actual part number that they meant it to be.



So great catch, H. I don't know what we'd have done without your insight......

Amateur Sketchin'

If you've never seen this youtube clip before, please take a couple minutes to watch it.
1) It's hilarious, and
2) it's relevant to the story I'm about to tell.

Pay close attention to the Amateur Sketch....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zt-F5lMtdjA


So at work, I'm making changes to a drawing that was sent out a couple years ago. We use AutoCAD at my office, but a lot of our plant drawings are so old (dating back to the pre-computer days) that we often use scanned images of hand-drawn plans.

Some of us more advanced CAD users quickly realized that when you try to rescale these scanned images, they get distorted and very pixelated. We know that it's much better to scale our CAD border to fit around the image vs. scaling our image to fit inside the border.

But not everyone is an advanced CAD user. This is what happens to a triangle when you scale your image...

It gets all zig-zaggy and crappy looking.

And....

this is what happens when you're a dumb-ass and trace an amateur sketch version of that triangle....

QUALITY!

Know-it-All

There is a guy I work with, V, who thinks he knows everything about everything. He's always very quick to offer his unsolicited advice about any topic that comes up.

Last year when Jim and I had to get our water heater replaced, this guy called me stupid for paying someone to do it. He said I would have been much smarter to ask him for advice (since he's apparently replaced not just one...but TWO water heaters and is, therefore, apparently even more of an expert than the professional that we paid). He started going though all the "simple" steps of pipe cutting and welding that I'd have to make, all the while with this cocky grin on his face like he's God's gift to home maintenance.

A few weeks ago, the kid who sits next to me was texting, and V started asking him questions about his cell phone plan. And it seems that S is really stupid too...signing up for the plan he did. V's plan was SO much cheaper and had SUCH better phone clarity and MANY more features. To my knowledge, V doesn't have a 2nd job at Verizon, but the way he talks, you'd sure think he does.

And another guy on our team bought a new car a few months ago. And sure enough, V started listing all the problems that had been reported with that particular car model. Why didn't C know better than to ask V what kind of car he drove? Because of course V's car has never had ANY recalls, it has the BEST fuel efficiency of ANY car EVER available, it has the MOST standard features, he got a MUCH cheaper deal on his car than C had gotten. V was laughing to himself all afternoon about how stupid C had been to buy a car without consulting with him first.

So today, V asked me a work-related question. I answered. Then he started going on and on and on about how much better his previous company was about providing detailed check lists which would have prevented him from having to ask questions. V NEVER made ANY errors because of those check lists. So he made a bunch of copies before coming to work here. He thinks he still has some copies at home and would be happy to bring me one so that I could be (almost) as good at my job as V is.

And while he was droning on about it, I was thinking about that Seinfeld episode where George drags Jerry and Elaine to a party so he can spend time with a woman that he's interested in. Jerry and Elaine fear that they will get trapped in boring conversations with strangers, so they come up with a signal...if one of them starts patting their head, it's a sign for the other friend to come bail them out of the situation. And I was wondering if any of my other coworkers would notice if I started patting my head during this V conversation, and if any of my coworkers who did notice my head patting would be familiar with that Seinfeld episode to recognize the signal I was sending.

So I mentioned it to S already, and should probably pass the message on to a few of my other friends around the office, before it's too late and I get sucked into switching cell phone carriers.

Unsure

It's recently been somewhat common that I forget to take my daily Singulair pill for allergies. My husband suggested to me that I set an alarm on my phone to remind me everyday, which has been working really well. Great. Problem solved...I thought...until today...

It was 3:00.
My alarm went off.
I took the pill out of my purse.
Into my right palm.
I tossed it in the direction of my open mouth.
I took a drink of water.
I didn't feel myself swallow anything.

Hmmm. Thinking back a few moments, I don't really remember anything hitting my tongue either. Hmmm.

I looked on the floor.
No pill.
I looked on my desk.
No pill.
My chair.
No pill.
I shook my shirt.
Nothing fell.

I checked my pockets--on the rare chance that the Singulair would have neatly rolled down my body, landing safely in my pocket. But no pill was there either.

So I guess it seems like the evidence is all for me unknowingly, yet successfully, swallowing it. Maybe the pill is just so small compared to the amount of water I drank that the pill was just easily washed down in a flood of Aquafina.

Or maybe my husband will tiredly inform me tomorrow morning that I was a snore machine all night....

Help

Things have been really busy at my job for the past few months...at least for my team. There are other teams in my group, however, who have had so little to do lately that they've been encouraged to use their vacation days so that the company doesn't have to pay them to sit around all day doing nothing.

So of course, in the midst of my team's overload of work, management thought it would be a great solution to send "help" our way; those people who have been spending their 8-hour days doing nothing more than surfing the internet, making personal phone calls, checking their email, Facebook, Twitter, etc accounts have now been sent to our team. I had a conversation with my supervisor a few weeks ago about it:

P: So we are going to get you some help. Either S or Z is going to come see you.

Me: But they haven't worked for our client before. They aren't trained on our procedures, or set up with our drafting standards.

P: Well, just go through everything with them then before they start.

Me: But in the time it takes me to load our fonts, borders, symbols and plot styles onto their computers; teach them our computer program; teach them our standards; go through the drawings; answer their questions every 5 minutes; check their work; mark up inevitable corrections; answer more questions as they incorporate those changes; and check their work again....I'd get this shit done MUCH faster if I just did it myself.

P: Well...management wants to keep everyone busy though, so this is what's happening.

Quality.

So here it is a few weeks later and the questions have dwindled a bit. Work is getting done a little faster. And management is happy.

But now another guy has come to temporarily join my team. And he and I don't get along.

It was a few years ago. I had drafted some stuff for him and he had made a comment on my drawings; he didn't like the placement of my notes. I had them in the bottom left corner. He felt they would look better along the middle right edge:

A: I'd like you to move the notes on all the drawings over here to the side.

P.S. There were like 40 drawings and they were going out the door that night.

Me: Is that really necessary?

A: Well, I just think it would look better that way.

Me: Well, is it written in the procedure somewhere?

A: Well, I just think it would look better that way.

Me: So this is just your personal opinion then...NOT a procedure?

A: Well, no...but I just think it would look better....

Me: ....I ain't got time for your personal preference. If it's not in the procedure, then we're done here.

Casting an angry glare at me, he silently took the drawings and went back to his desk. In the 3 years since then, he has literally never spoken a single word to me. He won't even smile at me in passing. It's like I really personally offended his ego.

And now he's working on my team. And I've been assigned to work with him.

When he gave me some marked up drawings today, I held back my attitude when he explained to me that he'd prefer to see the notes along the middle right edge of the page (seriously...that comment actually did happen). There was a moment of eye contact where his eyes were sadly begging me to not start a fight with him over it. And ultimately, there were other changes on those drawings too, so as long as I had to touch them anyway...what was a few more simple point n' click moves?

But he approached me mid-work with another addition:

A: We need to add this contract number to all the drawings.

Me: Umm...that's not one of our contract numbers. Our numbers have 5 digits and that's only 4. And besides, if it's not in the computer system here (pointing to the screen)...which it's not...then we wouldn't put a contract number on the drawings.

A: But I found it in the Project Work Plan.

Me: Well, that must have been a contract number for something else. But since it's not in our computer system, we wouldn't put it on the drawings.

A: Well, just do it anyway. And if it's wrong, the client can comment on it.

Really? Let's think logically about this for 2 seconds. Who is more likely to know the answer? Someone who's been working for this client for 3 years.....or someone who's been working for this client for 3 days? Not much of a puzzler there, is it? Well, apparently for this guy it is. Or maybe regardless of how long I've been working for this client, I'm still just a "stupid" girl anyway, right?.....

So he went to ask the guy who sits in the cubicle right next to me (very much within hearing range) and asks this guy about contract numbers. After being told the same exact thing that I'd just said twice, he happily accepted that answer the first time, came back to me, and said he'd changed his mind and he didn't think we needed to show that contract number after all.Yeah. I know. That's what I said.

And later in the afternoon, he gave me a few more marked up drawings that he'd written "Use this previous issue as your drawing background." Hmm...this previous issue is a few years old and 3 revision levels ago. So I explained that to him and asked for clarification what he thought I needed that old issue for. His response was to crumple the page up, while yelling with attitude, "Fine. You don't need it then!"

Dude, calm down! I wasn't trying to call him wrong or stupid or anything. I just thought maybe there was a miscommunication. Maybe I was the one being the dumbshit who couldn't figure out what he meant (not likely, but just to be nice...)

So thanks for the help, Management. It's been really great.

But it looks like I'll be needing a brand new box of red pencils by my side, so I can mark up all the inevitable errors that are going to be coming my way.

OMG

A couple weeks ago I decided to join L.A. Fitness. Upon arrival, the receptionist took my basic info and directed me to the waiting lounge where someone would be with me shortly for a tour and membership info. I sat in one of the two unoccupied chairs, next to a 40ish man and woman who were together. I could hear them whispering to each other:

Guy: I'm just going to ask her.

Gal: No. Leave her alone.

Guy: No, it'll be fine. I'm just going to ask her....Excuse me...

Me: Yes?

Guy: I was just wondering...are you a Jehovah's Witness?

Me (stunned...as I expected that he was only going to ask me for directions to someplace): No

Guy: Catholic? (posed as more of a statement than a question actually, since I guess Catholic is probably the most common religion)

Me: No

Guy (somewhat shocked that I wasn't Catholic): Jewish?

Me: No

Guy (even more shocked that he hadn't guessed it yet): Seventh Day Adventist?

Me: No

Guy: Can I ask...do you believe in the Lord, Jesus Christ?

Me: Nope

Guy (with shocked laughter): Really?! Well then what do you believe in?

Me: Myself

Guy (jaw dropping, as if that was the most ludicrous thing he'd ever heard): Well...how does that work?

Me (confused look and shoulder shrug, as I didn't know how to explain that believing in yourself is probably one of the best things anyone should practice)

Guy: Well then, are you Buddhist?

Me: ...No...

Guy: Hindu?

Me: ...No (didn't I already make myself clear???)

Guy: So...you're an Atheist??

Me: Yeah

Guy: (shaking his head) Wow!

Just then, the club representative came over to get me. By the time I left, the couple was no longer in the waiting area.


The first time I can remember being taken to church was at the age of 5. My parents would drop off my 8-year-old sister and I at Sunday School, and they would attend the church service...or so we thought. We found out years later that my parents would actually just drop us off, go out for breakfast, and come back in an hour to pick us up. My sister almost caught on one time, noticing that the car was parked in a different spot than where we'd left it before church. But my dad quickly explained away any doubt...that he'd forgotten money for the collection plate and had to go home to get some. Sounded reasonable to my 5-year-old self.

But I don't think it was too long before I started asking my mom for an explanation about how we knew of God's existence. If he wasn't living down here on Earth, and we couldn't see Him, or hear Him, or talk to Him, what would make us think he existed. And my mom responded, "You just have to have faith."

But that concept of blind faith never caught on for me. Upon expressing my doubt, the subject was brought up with my sister, who also wasn't really buying into the whole God thing, and thus ending our Sunday School days. And as I got older, I decided that it seemed much more reasonable to believe in myself...not in some guy who hadn't bothered to show up in 2000 years. And so I proclaimed myself an Atheist.

I feel like most of my acquaintances however, do believe in God. So I sometimes find myself in an awkward position of having to justify to people why I'm not religious. I feel like admitting my Atheism stereotypes me in "God's" eyes as stupid, conceded, ignorant, disobedient, and lacking any sort of morals or character. People can believe in God--no questions asked because it's such a popular following. But being the only person in the world who believes solely in Lauren, well that's just one person against the world--so why should anyone else have faith in that I guess.

To be clear, I do admit to pretty much total ignorance about the "facts" and faiths of religion. I've never read the Bible and I'm not even up-to-speed on some of the major Christian holidays. But book-knowledge aside, I've had experiences with religious people that have made me very happy in my lack-of-faith-in-God path. For example...

I used to work with a woman who was extremely Christian. She was a member of a church group, she volunteered at services, and she attended church at least once a week. One afternoon at work, she excitedly approached me saying:

E: Lauren, you will never believe this, but a MIRACLE just happened to me!!

Me (knowing this would be a religious conversation, I tried to keep my natural sarcastic responses to a minimum): Wow, what happened?

E: Well, I had gone out to run errands during my lunch hour, and the next thing I knew, my lunch hour was almost over and I realized that I didn't have enough time to stop anywhere for food if I was going to make it back to my desk in time. I thought I was just going to have to eat crackers at my desk. But then...GOD reminded me that I had leftovers in the fridge at work! So I made it back here in time to heat up my food here and eat at my desk!

Me: ...............

She happily went back to her desk to marvel in the "miracle" that had just been "blessed" upon her, and it left me wondering...

Really? You think that was a MIRACLE? I mean...WTF?? Is that what religion teaches you? How about this...there was no fucking MIRACLE. You have a brain! And your brain was smart enough to recall on its own that you had leftovers in the fridge at work. How about that fuckin' theory!? And furthermore, if God was performing any miracles that day, he sure as fuck had more important issues at hand than making sure this rather obese woman didn't have to settle for crackers for one fucking meal. Is that seriously what they teach you in church? That you aren't allowed to take any fucking credit for even the tiniest little thing that happens? How fulfilling of a life could that possibly be, feeling that everything you accomplish wasn't really even your accomplishment...that it was only possible because of God's hands in the mix?

Seriously, Christians...if that's religion...then I sure don't want ANY fucking part of that bullshit!

Bitch

I am pretty low on the totem pole at my office. It basically goes Executives, Engineers, Designers, Draftsmen (me). And although I outrank the few other draftsmen on my team, I am still in the overall bottom tier.

So a lot of my coworkers think they can order me to do the shit work that they don't want to do. And by shit work, I mostly mean printing.


Here's how a typical conversation actually plays out:

Coworker: I need a set of these drawings printed.
Me: (pissed off in my head) ....Okay.


Here's how I fantasize this conversation in my head:

Coworker: I need a set of these drawings printed.
Me: Well, then I suggest you get pointin' and clickin'
CW: I don't have AutoCAD loaded on my computer.
Me: Well loading it will be great practice for you. All that involves is pointing and clicking too :)
CW: But I don't know how to print from AutoCAD.
Me: It's easy. I'd be happy to show you.
CW: Okay, thanks! I will gladly print all my own stuff from now on!!



Clearly...only in my fantasies.

I just don't get what the problem is though. For example, our engineers don't use AutoCAD. They use Visio. I know absolutely NOTHING about Visio. But oh wait...I do know one thing...I know what the effing print button looks like...yeah...the button with a picture of a printer on it...yes...that same icon that's used in pretty much every single effing computer application in existence...uh huh...it's that very same button in AutoCAD too...

So I don't get what the problem is.

How I would really like to utilize my amazing printing skills is to print out my job description from our company website. Then I would have a handy visual aide to point out to everyone who asks that "Print Bitch" is not on my list of responsibilities.

But I guess it seems easier to just do it instead of arguing...

Or...I could say that I'm busy, and delegate all that Print Bitch work to the few people that I do outrank :)

Side Effects

I suffer pretty heavily from allergies. My first experience being treated for them was at the age of 4. If you've never been tested for allergies, let me explain one way of doing this. You get injected with a bunch of common allergens, and then sit there for 20 minutes and watch how many of the injection sites start to swell up in hives. And I was 4 the first time I had this done.

I don't remember it, but my mom tells me that I started off pretty brave, but about halfway through the 20 injections, I was sobbing and screaming, "I wish I wasn't me!!" The results of that test indicated that I should come in for 3 weekly injections. I think the theory is that if they keep injecting me with dust, mold, pollen, etc, my body will get used to it and it won't bother me anymore. And I guess it worked, because I do remember as time went on I would only have to get those injection every 2 weeks, then every 3 weeks, then just once a month, and after a few years I was off the injections completely and only needing prescription pills for my allergies (hidden not-so-well in my ice cream every night).

At some point I stopped taking that prescription medication as well. It's not that I didn't suffer from allergies anymore, but I guess just avoiding the things that I was allergic to was enough to keep things under control. But for about the past 8 years, that hasn't been a good enough plan anymore. For a long time, I wasn't really contributing my sinus problems to allergies, and my ENT wasn't aggressively treating my allergies either. Nasonex doesn't really do much for me, at which point that doctor basically gave up and said, "Well to treat the chronic sinus infections that you get due to allergies, just call me whenever you get an infection and I will call in antibiotics for you. No need to come see me. Just keep taking drugs." I don't see that doctor anymore.

But I did actually let him perform surgery on me a few years ago; straightening my deviated septum and cutting out a bunch of swollen tissue from 5 of my 6 sinus cavities. The procedure seemed to be really successful, up until a few months ago. I'm assuming that over time, the sinus tissue that still remained just decided that it finally had it's turn to start swelling up a lot. So I'm currently suffering from my 3rd sinus infection in the past 3 months.

I saw my new ENT yesterday (I've been going to him for about a year now and he's really awesome). He looked at my chart to review my allergy medicine routine, which currently has consisted of OTC anti-histamine, and some occasional nasal spray when I'm feeling extra congested. He said if we don't get my allergies better controlled, we aren't going to have much luck keeping my sinus infections under control. It's really refreshing to have a doctor that is concerned about the frequency of my infections and wants to try different things to prevent them from reoccurring, as opposed to my old doctor's mentality of, "Let's just pump you full of antibiotics and steroids every 2 months for the rest of your life."

So I was given a 2-week sample supply of Singulair, as well as a prescription (and a coupon card) if I think that it's working and I'd like to continue using it. So, I'm reading the info sheet that came with the drug:

BEHAVIOR AND MOOD-RELATED CHANGES: Tell your doctor right away if you have any of these symptoms: agitation, aggressive behavior, hostility, bad or vivid dreams, depression, disorientation, confusion, feeling anxious, hallucinations, irritability, restlessness, sleep walking, suicidal thoughts or actions (including suicide), tremor, trouble sleeping

THE MOST COMMON SIDE EFFECTS ARE: upper respiratory infection, fever, headache, sore throat, cough, stomach pain, diarrhea, earache or ear infection, flu, runny nose, sinus infection

OTHER SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE: increased bleeding tendency, low blood platelet count, allergic reaction, dizziness, drowsiness, pins and needles/numbness in arms or legs, seizures/convulsions, palpitations, nose bleed, stuffy nose, heartburn, indigestion, inflammation of the pancreas, nausea, intestinal upset, vomiting, hepatitis, bruising, joint pain, muscle aches, tiredness

THESE ARE NOT ALL THE POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS. ASK YOUR DOCTOR FOR MORE INFORMATION.

Great. I'll be sure to tell my doctor right away if I experience suicidal actions (including suicide). And I'm really glad that one of the most common side effects is "sinus infection."

I did have a "vivid dream" last night of someone's skull having been removed, and doctors kept shocking his brain, and it kept swelling bigger and bigger. In my dream, I was smart enough to realize his brain was going to explode, so dream-me covered my eyes. And after his brain did explode, he was still alive and talking. So I suppose it could have been worse.

I might just stick with antibiotics for life though...

CSG

What's the deal with creepy guys who work at Subway sandwich restaurants and think I want them to hit on me? Now, to clarify...it's not EVERY Subway employee of course. There are actually only three such guys that I can recall. And this is not a bash against any normal people who work at Subway, or any other sandwich place. Subway is awesome and delicious. But still...WTF?

Creepy #1: Back when I lived in Naperville, there was a Subway almost right across the street from me (by the DMV if you are familiar with the area). This guy actually outright asked me if I was single. I wasn't. Add to the equation the fact that an older woman who was quite possibly his mother was standing right there on the sandwich line next to him...this seemed like an inappropriate conversation. And even after saying that I did have a boyfriend he said, "Well...I own my own business," with a really big f#&king smile on his face like he was super proud of himself, and that he thought I'd be super impressed, that his life's dream involved nothing more than making sandwiches. I think I did the smile-and-nod thing, got my sandwich, got the hell out of there, and never went back.

Creepy #2: After I had no interest in going back to see Creepy #1, I started going to a different Subway (Market Meadows), where this new sandwich guy didn't flirt with me too hardly...it was mostly just creepy, ogling looks and smiles. It prevented me from going there very often, but at least he didn't actually try to impress me via conversation and awkward questioning in front of his mom, so it was somewhat acceptable to deal with.

Uncreepy: I got super lucky when I made the move into my now-husband's house. There is a Subway literally behind our house, and it's run 98% of the time by a woman who is nice, but thankfully not into small-talk (as I'm not either). And even when the guy who works there comes out from the back to help on the line, he is very nice and has never shown any bit of inappropriate interest in me. He is only interested in making my sandwich.

But every once in awhile, I am in the mood for a breakfast sandwich from Subway. I have typically been going to one right by my office (State, north of Adams). But last week when the nice-guy employee there went to ring me up, he discovered that their cash register was down, so he gave me the sandwich for free. So now for some stupid reason, I feel kind of guilty going back there. It was a $3 sandwich and it was clearly not my fault. That location won't go under because of my one free breakfast. But even though I tell myself it's no big deal in the grand scheme of Subway's profit margin, I feel weird going back there now. It's like I'm worried that there will always be this tension between us now like, "That girl owes me $3." So I found another Subway, just 1 block away from the other one (State, south of Adams). I went there this morning. Enter Creepy #3...

Creepy Subway Guy: What can I get for you?

Me: Egg white and cheese

CSG: That was yellow egg, right?

Me: No, white

CSG: And you wanted bacon on that?

Me: No, just cheese

I looked up at CSG and he had a big f#&king grin on his face...the light shining off his silver-capped tooth. Oh. He's messing with me. Great.

CSG: What else would you like on this?

Me: Just green pepper

He put 1 slice of pepper on the sandwich and grinned at me, like he was really proud of the joke he just pulled on me

Me: Umm....a little more than that.....(trying to be serious and not give into his pathetic attempt at humor)

CSG: (big creepy shiny grin) You said green pepperrrrr...not peppersssss (another BCSG)

Me: (annoyed smile) Oh...Peppersssss please

He put 1 more slice on

CSG: Now there are two peppersssss (BCSG)

Another annoyed look from me, and he then put the normal amount on. And as he was ringing me up said, "So, maybe you'll come back for lunch?"

I said, "....yeah....maybe......."

And got the hell out of there....forever.

I'll gladly give the other guy his $3 back.

Office Policy

If you haven't read my blog "Maintenance Issues" from November 7, 2011 I suggest you take a few minutes to read it before going any further with this blog because a) It's funny -and- b) It's relevant to understanding the hilarity of the following entry.

........................


So now that you're up to speed on my feelings of personal hygiene in the office...here is a clip from our bi-weekly office newsletter that was issued yesterday:

S&Lers periodically ask that everyone be reminded about minimizing distractions to nearby co-workers. Activities that are described as being especially distracting or disruptive include:

- Using the speaker phone feature in a work area.

- Listening to a PC program, playing a radio, etc., without using headphones.

- When using headphones, not having the volume low enough or unconsciously humming along, snapping fingers to a catchy beat, etc.

- Attending to personal grooming including the use of nail clippers.

- Having relatively loud conversations outside a conference room while waiting for the room.

- Having lengthy conversations with multiple people crowded into a work area.

- Having lengthy personal phone conversations.

Using Quiet Rooms and headphones when applicable and being aware of other unintended distractions are courtesies that your co-workers will appreciate.

Thank you :)

> Reminder: Be Aware of Activities That Can Distract Co-Workers

Shipwreck

The women at my company make up about 10% of the employee population. Therefore, it is statistically given that I should be surrounded by 9 men before you will see another female. And of those 9 men, I suppose there would be a statistic about how many of them would be romantically interested in that 1 woman. I don't have the official stats on that, but I can say for sure that out of the 9, there is at least 1 who would be interested in that woman...

His name is Shipwreck. Not his actual name, but the nickname that my friends I and use to say mean, funny things about him without anyone else in ear-shot knowing who we are talking about.

I was introduced to him sometime during my first week at the company. He sat not too far down the hall from me, and was friends with the guy I sat next to. So Shipwreck would often come by and say hello to my quad-mate, who introduced us. It began then as an obligatory "Hi" when passing each other in the hall or the obligatory small talk if I was unfortunate enough to be stuck in the same elevator as him.

This behavior went on for a few months, until my birthday that year. I was foolish enough to bring in cupcakes for everyone, which Shipwreck noticed:

SW: Oh, it's your birthday?

Me: Yeah.

SW: Well then, I should take you out to lunch.

Me: (hesitantly, but too polite to be rude and say no and possibly hurt his feelings) .....Okay......

So we went to lunch.

Now, this was really the first time I'd ever had a long conversation with him that involved talking about anything more than the weather or Star Wars or Star Trek or Battlestar Galactica...so I discovered that he was about 11 years older than me, and I was closer in age to his youngest kid than I was to him. We had zero in common and pretty much zero to talk about. It was the kind of thing where we both seemed really glad when the food came, cause then we could just eat instead of having to fill the awkward silence by attempting a conversation. At the end of the lunch hour I had never been so happy to be back at work, and I was convinced that he probably wouldn't pay me much attention anymore since we very clearly had nothing going for us to maintain any kind of friendship...until a few weeks later...when he asked me out to lunch again:

(instant message)
SW: Hey! Would you like to go out for lunch today?

Me: I'm already eating lunch.

SW: Oh. You eat early, huh?

Me: Usually around 11:30.

SW: Okay. Well, if you are ever interested, just let me know.

Excellent. He put the ball in my court....or so I thought....until the next day:

(instant message)
SW: Hey! How about having lunch with me today?

Me: (what the....????) I already have plans.

SW: Okay. Well maybe some other time.

Let's now skip ahead to the next day:

(instant message)
SW: Hey! What are you doing for lunch today?

Me: (seriously?? WTF??) I brought my lunch today and don't want to waste it.

SW: Oh. Okay. Well let me know if you are interested some other time.

This went on for the next 3 or 4 days in a row, with me making similar excuses like, "I'm too busy working to stop and eat," "I have plans again," "I brought lunch again," "I'm already eating again," etc.

Later that week:

(instant message)
SW: Hey! How about going out for lunch today?

Me: I'm on a diet. I'm trying not to eat out.

SW: Oh. Okay. Well, good luck with that.

My buddy E: No offense, but...he's probably gonna notice if you don't start losing some weight...

Me: Yeah. And he'd be a real ASSHOLE to say anything to me about it!

E: Good point!

A few months later...

(instant message)
SW: Hey! Want to go out for lunch today?

Me: (press esc to close chat window)

And I never heard from him again :)

Moving Forward

I have discovered a lot of things in the past few weeks...a lot about myself, a lot about my husband, a lot about marriage, and mostly, a lot about the importance of communication.

It's not that I think I deserve any of this, or that I blame myself, or that I'm glad to have discovered my husband's infidelity (well...I actually am glad to have discovered it. I am not glad that it was ever happening in the first place). But overall, it seems like this was the ultimate kick in the ass that we both needed to get our relationship on the right track.

I'm that insecure girl who has always questioned why anyone would ever be interested in being with me. I'm SUPER emotional, and guys hate that, right? At least stereotypically they do. I'm pushy and I'm stubborn and sometimes mean and also bitchy. I can dish it out, but am only recently learning that that means I have to be able to take it too.

So when I moved in with my now-husband at a time when we were still dating, I didn't want him to discover all these terrible things about me. So I thought it best to keep my distance. I knew that prior to my moving in, he spent a lot of his free time watching sports and playing video games. I didn't want to disturb that pattern. I didn't want to be that clingy, annoying girlfriend-type who starts telling her boyfriend what to do. I didn't want to steal the remote and make him watch House Hunters instead of football. I didn't want to force him to go to the mall instead of going to a sports bar. I didn't want to insist on changing the sports decor around the house to something more classy. I didn't want him to notice that there was any difference in his life at all after I moved in. So I kept my distance.

But my assumption that he still just wanted to watch sports or play video games all night while I made myself busy doing whatever by myself, led him to the assumption that I didn't want to spend time with him. So he reached out to someone else who would give him attention. It honestly never occurred to me that if he'd wanted his life to remain exactly as it had before I moved in...he probably wouldn't have let me move it. I guess it never occurred to him to say anything to me about spending so much time alone either.

We both agree that the last 11 days since I have moved back home have been the strongest days that our relationship has ever seen. I feel like the best way to move forward is to say that whatever he did, said or felt in the past...that's in the past. After I left, his mindset started to change. And after I helped him realize that his "girlfriend" was simply using him, he got mad. He cut her out. The issue with her seems to have almost resolved itself overnight. Almost.

We still have a long way to go. Every day is still one-day-at-a-time. Most of the time I feel like everything is going okay. And most of the time I think about how we've come so far in just a few weeks. But every once in awhile I realize that we've only just begun the healing process. And when I really start to think about it, I realize that I'm still really upset and really mad that the man I love, and have given all of myself to, was giving most of himself to someone else.

It hurts.

A lot.

I don't deserve it.

But I have hope that we are both committed to making things work. I think if he didn't really want to be with me, I've just given him the perfect opportunity to get out. He didn't take it.

I hope he can learn to deal with his feelings. I hope he can realize that his wife loves him more than any Seattle Skank ever could. I hope he can figure out how to make me believe in him again.

Faking It

I have been sick quite a bit during the past month. I suffered from sinus infections for a large portion of my adulthood until 2 years ago when I had sinus surgery. Prior to my surgery, I had been getting sinus infections about 6 times a year. Post surgery, it's only been once or twice a year...until recently.

The week between Christmas and New Year is a very popular week to take off work at my company (probably at most people's companies). With Christmas on a Sunday, we had Monday off as a holiday and I used my last vacation day of the year to take that Tuesday off as well. I went into work on Wednesday, suddenly feeling like crap. As I was driving to the train station that morning, I kept thinking about turning around and going home. Sitting in the parking lot before getting on the train, I thought it wasn't too late. On the train, I kept thinking how easy it would be to get off at the next stop and take the next outbound train back to my station. Walking from Union Station to my office...I could still turn around. Miserably sitting at my desk with hardly any work to do, I thought I really should go home and rest. My supervisor was off that week, as was my boss, as well as a few other coworkers. There were just 3 other people there on my team that day which meant not a lot of work was going to be generated for me anyway. I was likely going to spend the next three days sitting at my desk pretending to look busy, wasting company time and money. So why not just go home sick already?

It was because I was afraid that people would think I was faking my illness. Even though I was constantly blowing my nose and sounding congested, I was fearful that everyone would be talking about me behind my back, saying that I was just ditching work. With no vacation or sick days left, going home would mean unpaid days. I was willing to do that. I really wasn't feeling well. Congested and even dizzy from all the swelling in my head. But I was so worried about what everyone else might think of me. Slacker. So I stuck it out most of the day. I finally broke down and called my supervisor at home, explaining that I was sick and that there wasn't much work to do anyway, so I really wouldn't be missed at the office. He said that if I was legitimately sick and willing to take unpaid time, I could go home. So at 2:00 that Wednesday, I went home sick for the next four days.

My initial thought was that it just a common cold. It was the right time of year, and it didn't feel like a sinus infection...and I know what sinus infections feel like. So I just slept a lot and drank a lot of water and took a lot of OTC cold medicine. By the end of the weekend, it occurred to me that my congestion was getting a lot better, but the dizziness wasn't going away. WebMD told me it might be an infection and that, regardless of any other symptoms, dizziness is not something you should ignore.

After the New Year, my doctor's office reopened on Tuesday and I made an appointment for that afternoon, causing a need to leave work a few hours early. Slacker. I was diagnosed with a sinus infection and prescribed antibiotics. But after the medicine was gone, I was still pretty congested. The dizziness had gone away though, so I was blaming my congestion on allergies. It's been weird weather here...10 degrees one day, 48 the next, then back down to 15. It seemed like the right kind of weather for allergies to be in full force.

But after a couple more weeks, that congestion hadn't gone away, and I also started a terrible cough earlier this week. My supervisor was out of the office again on business. When he left Monday afternoon, I was feeling pretty well. But all of a sudden on Tuesday, I was coughing a lot more. A coworker suggested that maybe I was still sick and that if I wasn't better by Friday, to consider going to the doctor again. By that evening I was starting to feel dizzy again.

I woke up Wednesday and called in sick to work. I went back to the doctor, who was surprised that the antibiotics I'd been given a few weeks prior hadn't done the trick. So he did a CT scan to make sure it wasn't something more serious. It was still just a nasty infection. I was given stronger antibiotics for a longer period of time.

Thursday morning, I was still dizzy...called in sick. This morning, I was still dizzy...called in sick again. But even though I am legitimately sick, I'm still afraid that it's going to seem like I'm faking it, just to get a 5-day weekend. It's been freezing cold outside the past few days, and today we are supposed to get up to 6 inches of snow. It just seems easy for my supervisor to jump to the conclusion that if I seemed fine on Monday, how do I all of a sudden have such a terrible infection, seemingly out of nowhere, during a week of horrible weather, and just weeks after I was already treated for this same problem?

Seriously, I know I have no reason to worry. If they don't believe me at work, I can easily provide a doctor's note, since I have been legitimately sick, did in fact go to the doctor, did in fact get a CT scan to confirm my horrible sinus infection, have in fact been feeling dizzy...so I'm covered.

But it still just really seems that when you put the whole story together, it sounds like I'm simply just faking it.

Strangers

I work at a pretty large company. I think there's about 2,000 people in my office, spread out among 11 floors. And over the past few weeks, it's become increasingly clear to me that about half the people I come into contact with on a regular basis don't know my name.

It started a couple weeks ago, when the Big Guy's who run my team decided to cater lunch for everyone as a "Happy New Year/Thanks for your hard work" kind of thing. It was buffet style (great...), but it was free food and it was presented to us as kind of mandatory thing. That we would be given lunch and then as we were all eating together in the conference room, the bosses would have a few words to say about the upcoming year.

So at the end of this buffet line stood our project administrator, and our two big bosses. The admin's job in this situation was to introduce everyone to the bosses. Now...I've been with this company for 4 years, and I've had conversations with both these guys, so I assumed they knew me. I got to the first boss while the second in line was still talking to the guy ahead of me. I said, "Thanks for the lunch P." He shook my hand and said, "Happy New Year." My turn was up for the second boss. As we extended our hands toward each other to shake, the admin asked him, "Do you know Lauren?" I started to nod my head that sure, of course he knew me. But he replied, "No. It's nice to meet you. Thanks for your hard work." What a bunch of B.S! That guy must have been horrifyingly embarrassed to be introduced to people who have been working for him as long as I have. I was pretty shocked by it too.

But I am equally guilty of not knowing everyone's name. This week I got an email from a person who's name I didn't recognize, asking for some information to get me special computer access. Later that day, a guy who's always been really friendly to me came over to ask me a question about that computer access, and it occurred to me that the sender of the email who I didn't know was this same guy who I've said Hello to hundreds of times.

A few days later, my supervisor told me to go see J.K. about a file that he should email me. He's an important guy on our project, so I knew who he was and where he sat. I could tell that he recognized me, but when I asked him to send me an email, I saw a moment of fear cross his face when it occurred to him that he wouldn't know who to send the email to. As if he was going to half-ass his way through it, he opened up a new email message, but without making him prompt me, I told him my last name so he could find me in the email directory. You're welcome, Dude, for not making you ask me who the hell I am.

And then Thursday, I was working on an electrical panel elevation drawing that needed a structural mounting detail added to it as well. I was given the name and number of the structural guy who would be doing it, and he and I had to call each other pretty often over the following 24 hours to coordinate the drawing. When it was finally done, I printed the drawing and had to bring it to him to sign off on his part of it. Do you know how a person's name and voice gives you an impression of what you think they look like. Well when I got to this guy's desk, he looked nothing like I'd pictured...Probably because I wasn't picturing anyone that I knew.

Clearly, I don't know this guy very well...but it's a guy who I've had about a dozen conversations with. Just "How was your weekend?" kind of conversations that you have with people in the elevator, or the copy room, or the break room. But I've seriously talked to this guy at least a dozen times. I think we both felt really stupid about it. When I got to his desk, we both looked a little stunned and he said, "Oh. So you're Lauren." I kind of laughed and said, "Yeah. Well now I'll finally know your name the next time I run into you."

I think I need to start introducing myself to people right away from now on, to avoid any more of these awkward moments.