Sports Fan

This guy I work with, R, likes to try and fit in with the rest of us by pretending he watches sports, as demonstrated here...

http://spaputzstories.blogspot.com/2012/08/urlacher.html


And a couple more recent conversations:

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THURSDAY
R: Did you see they won last night! I was up until midnight watching!

Me (testing him): I didn't see the end of the game. I went to bed at 11:00. I don't even know who scored the winning goal.

R: The Hawks!

Me: I know, but what player?

R: Daya. That's his name I think. Daya. Daya. Yeah, I think that's it (starts flipping through a Red Eye to look for the answer). Yeah, I'm pretty sure Daya.

Me: You mean Oduya?

R: Yeah! That's the guy! Duya!

Me: .............................

Actually, it was Andrew Shaw.

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TODAY

Me: Did you watch the basketball game last night?

R: What?

Me: The basketball finals. Have you been watching?

R: Who's in that?

Me: The Spurs and the Heat.

R: Oh yeah! I love the Spurs! (yeah, you're clearly a HUGE fan....didn't even know they were in the finals.....) They are so good! And that James. What's his name? James Bron? (do you know he's NOT on the Spurs??)

Me: LeBron James?

R: Yeah! James LeBron! He is so good! Especially when he teams up with Waday! They are unbelievable!

Me: Dwyane Wade??

R: Yeah, Wade. I still like Rodman though (you know he doesn't play anymore, right??). He's my favorite! Not as good as Michael. But I really like that Rodman! That one guy though, Joe Novak? He's not so great though?

Me: (blank stare)

R: With the tail?

Me: (blank stare)

R: The tail! (pulling on his hair)

Me: Joakim Noah?

R: Yeah! He's not very good though. And no one is as good as Rose (hey! you got one right!). He will never be the same now though, out for a year.

Me: I don't know? Sometimes after a year to rest and all that intense rehab, you come back even stronger than before.

R: No. He will be too scared to jump. It's all mental.

Me: Well it depends on the person I guess. Because a couple years ago, Peyton Manning was out for a whole season with a neck injury and he came back as good as always. And with a new team on top of all that.

R: Yeah, Eli Manning.

Me: FUCK ELI MANNING! THAT GUY IS THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE DOUCHBAG SHITFACE!

R: Oh. But they are brothers. And Eli is in Indiana.

Me: No, Peyton used to be in Indiana with the Colts, but now he's with the Broncos. And Eli is with the Giants.

R: One of them is not very good, I know.

Me: THAT'S ELI! HE FUCKING SUCKS!

R: Yeah, that guy in New York isn't very good. But the other one is good. They are brothers.

Me: Yeah, Peyton is one of the best QB's of all time.

R: Yeah, I know that. I have good memory for these things. He is my favorite!



Well, he might not have many facts straight, but at least he knows who SUCKS!!!!!!!

Magnums

I went to Dominick's today, and got the checker who's a middle-aged woman who tells you all her personal/medical problems, and will also look at all your purchases and ask you if you've ever tried them before--and if you have--asks you if they are any good.....

http://spaputzstories.blogspot.com/2013/03/checkers.html

I needed Lean Cuisines (easy for lunch at work) and yogurt (calcium is important). And I wanted ice cream (because it's my favorite food). I looked through my digital coupons and had one for Magnum ice cream bars. So a box of double caramel was also added to my cart.

Checker: (looking at the ice cream) I've never had this kind before. I've only had the dark chocolate, and that was pretty good. I bought it because I used to watch Magnum P.I. and thought it was pretty cool to find out all these years later that he was named after ice cream, because these (pointing to the box) are called Magnum too. Like Magnum P.I. (laughing to herself) Named after ice cream! (still laughing to herself)

Huh??

Me: ....Oh......well......I've tried most of the flavors and I think they are all pretty good.

Checker: (starting to get angry and/or offended because I didn't share her intense love of dark chocolate and Magnum P.I.) I know they have other flavors. I've just never tried them before. Caramel, mint, white, almond. I don't know what else though. Because I've ONLY had dark chocolate!

Me: Those are pretty good too. But I switch it up depending on my mood.

Checker: No. NO! I have NEVER tried ANYTHING other than the dark chocolate! That's what I liked because of Magnum P.I. so I won't try any of the other flavors! And that one was pretty good! And I really like that show!

Huh???

High

I have a cousin who used to teach 7th grade. He learned from his students that a common way for them to get high was by "Going Robo."

Urban Dictionary says:

Robitussin or other cough medicines containing DXM, which drank in large quantities makes you trip balls and feel itchy. As in: "I'm gonna chug this bottle of Robo and get percolated."

 

A couple months ago, I can't remember how this topic got brought up at work, but I was talking with two of my 60+ coworkers P and R about getting high.

 

P: When I was in the army there was a guy who used to take a bottle of whiskey and pour cherry Kool-Aid powder in it. He'd shake it up and put it in the freezer for awhile to get cold and he'd drink that every night. I guess it helped him sleep.

 

R: It made him sleep? Or it got him high?

 

P: I think he took it to make him sleep. Although I suppose he could have done it to get high. When you're in the army, there's not much at your disposal to use for that kind of thing so anything is possible.

 

R: Yeah, like when kids sniff markers because that's all they can get access to.

 

Me: Kids are way more advanced than markers these days. I have a cousin who used to teach 7th grade and they would drink Robitussin to get high. They called it "Going Robo."

 

P and R: (laughing)

 

P: Really? Cause there was also a guy in the army who always had a bottle of cough syrup in his back pocket. I always thought it was weird that he would be sick so much that he was always carrying it around. And I always thought he never seemed sick. I guess maybe he never really was sick though....

 

 

 

So today P and R got talking about the tornado in Oklahoma, which got P talking about a tornado he almost experienced:

 

P: I was working at the site [meaning a nuclear power plant (our line of work)] and a few of us were walking around the plant and noticed that no one else seemed to be around, but we didn't think much of it. Then we went outside to go back to our trailer and saw a funnel cloud in the distance. So I guess everyone else got moved to a safe location in the plant but didn't bother to tell us. The tornado never hit us though. It was moving in the other direction. But it was kind of scary seeing it that close up.

 

R: Have you ever heard of these "Storm Chasers" that follow the path of tornadoes and get it on video? I don't understand why they would risk so much for that?

 

P: It's an adrenaline rush. Like a high.

 

R: Yeah, I guess you're right. Like the same kind of high from Going Robo.