Moving Forward

I have discovered a lot of things in the past few weeks...a lot about myself, a lot about my husband, a lot about marriage, and mostly, a lot about the importance of communication.

It's not that I think I deserve any of this, or that I blame myself, or that I'm glad to have discovered my husband's infidelity (well...I actually am glad to have discovered it. I am not glad that it was ever happening in the first place). But overall, it seems like this was the ultimate kick in the ass that we both needed to get our relationship on the right track.

I'm that insecure girl who has always questioned why anyone would ever be interested in being with me. I'm SUPER emotional, and guys hate that, right? At least stereotypically they do. I'm pushy and I'm stubborn and sometimes mean and also bitchy. I can dish it out, but am only recently learning that that means I have to be able to take it too.

So when I moved in with my now-husband at a time when we were still dating, I didn't want him to discover all these terrible things about me. So I thought it best to keep my distance. I knew that prior to my moving in, he spent a lot of his free time watching sports and playing video games. I didn't want to disturb that pattern. I didn't want to be that clingy, annoying girlfriend-type who starts telling her boyfriend what to do. I didn't want to steal the remote and make him watch House Hunters instead of football. I didn't want to force him to go to the mall instead of going to a sports bar. I didn't want to insist on changing the sports decor around the house to something more classy. I didn't want him to notice that there was any difference in his life at all after I moved in. So I kept my distance.

But my assumption that he still just wanted to watch sports or play video games all night while I made myself busy doing whatever by myself, led him to the assumption that I didn't want to spend time with him. So he reached out to someone else who would give him attention. It honestly never occurred to me that if he'd wanted his life to remain exactly as it had before I moved in...he probably wouldn't have let me move it. I guess it never occurred to him to say anything to me about spending so much time alone either.

We both agree that the last 11 days since I have moved back home have been the strongest days that our relationship has ever seen. I feel like the best way to move forward is to say that whatever he did, said or felt in the past...that's in the past. After I left, his mindset started to change. And after I helped him realize that his "girlfriend" was simply using him, he got mad. He cut her out. The issue with her seems to have almost resolved itself overnight. Almost.

We still have a long way to go. Every day is still one-day-at-a-time. Most of the time I feel like everything is going okay. And most of the time I think about how we've come so far in just a few weeks. But every once in awhile I realize that we've only just begun the healing process. And when I really start to think about it, I realize that I'm still really upset and really mad that the man I love, and have given all of myself to, was giving most of himself to someone else.

It hurts.

A lot.

I don't deserve it.

But I have hope that we are both committed to making things work. I think if he didn't really want to be with me, I've just given him the perfect opportunity to get out. He didn't take it.

I hope he can learn to deal with his feelings. I hope he can realize that his wife loves him more than any Seattle Skank ever could. I hope he can figure out how to make me believe in him again.